he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
