I met the friendliest cop last night
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
