Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
