you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
