you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Randomize
