my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
