i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
