I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
