birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
