I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
