Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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