Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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