I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
