I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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