no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize
