so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize