there's paper in my vomit.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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