so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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