By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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