Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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