Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
