I could have mohawked her pubes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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