He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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