Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
