u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
