He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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