I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
