Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
