I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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