there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
