my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
