I just pynch a tree in the face
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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