Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
