my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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