Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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