Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
