i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
