Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
