I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
