Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
