the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
