so that wasnt chicken after all
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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