tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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