see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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