I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
