I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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