i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
