how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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