he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize