Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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