I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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