fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
