I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize