i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
