im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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