My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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