I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
