So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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