The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
