my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I had to cum in my sink.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
