I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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