A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
