It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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